I stood dumbfounded in the frozen food isle of Costco with my jaw sitting on the less than sanitized floor and my eyes preparing for the Bellagio water show-esque waterworks; “What do you mean you didn’t receive the paperwork again?” At this point I had lost track of how many times I had been spun around by the paperwork jig;
And a…1….but you need this,
And a…2…but you are missing that,
And a 3… but we didn’t receive this,
And a 4… but we already sent that.
It’s been a confusingly muddled and endless dance to get papers from one person to another and just when I think things are solved and all hunky dory, I find out that once again the head of this beast has no idea what the tail is doing. This paperwork hoedown has turned out to be a full time job in itself, and the cardio isn’t nearly as rewarding as the hootenanny’s with my line dancing peeps.
I hung up the phone from being told that once again the paperwork I worked so hard to get transferred to them had been misplaced, and I was feeling like a parent pitted between her two children as I listen to one blaming the other for breaking this, and loosing that. All that was left for me to do was stop.
It struck me that all of this anxiety and stress was coming from deadlines that belonged to someone else and other peoples inability to organize all while preying on my type ‘A’ personality to do everything in the right and proper way. Enough. I was officially letting go of pushing, unnecessary problem solving and using deadlines of others to dictate the levels of my panic mode. To be honest, the more I was attempting to smooth out each and every little bump, the more tangled it all became. It was time to stop kicking in the quicksand.
Wanting to fix things and do things ‘right’, is a lifelong habit of mine and it seems to always involve me attempting to stuff very hexagonal pegs in extremely round holes. It’s exhausting!
assuming I always know what is best in a situation.
limiting my perspective because I’m fixated on an outcome.
fighting with a reality that isn’t changeable because… it’s reality.
One of my mantras with cancer involves treating the journey like eating an elephant, only focusing on the bite I’m on at any given time. And it amazes me how by approaching it in this ‘staying present kind of way’, that phone calls come at the right time and coincidences happen when they are most needed; it’s like the more I surrender to the reality around me, the smoother it all goes. Time to take my elephant biting philosophy into everyday life.
I’m done forcing things to happen. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I’m going to become complacent and irresponsible; I will always do what I need to do, and follow up when necessary, I’m just done thinking things should be one way when they are really another. So the new dance will be more of a fluid foxtrot,
And a 1… no more fighting with reality, and taking life as it comes. Why fight with life when I can dance with it?
And a 2… if I can do something about it, then I do it, and if I can’t do anything, I let it go!
And a 3… always remembering that even if I’m not happy about something, things always seem to work out and I end up being exactly where I need to be.
And a 4… no matter what is going on in my life, I always have only one job… to be happy.