Gratitude Tsunami

I stood and just looked at it, the big beautiful shiny bell, attempting to comprehend its significance before collapsing in half from the weight of the past 19 months and allowing a tsunami of emotions to wash over me. 

There was never a doubt in my mind that the outcome to this journey would a happy one, the tricky part was getting from point A to point B.  And now, here I was at point B and it was a lot to take in.

I remained bent in half attempting to breathe, overcome with gratitude.  Grateful for,

  • being done having my chest continually punctured and sitting in the big, albeit comfortable, chair

  • the nurses that dropped what they were doing to rush out to be part of this moment with me

  • my family and friends who have shared this burden with me

all the while experiencing a movie playing in my head of all the decisions I’d made that were detrimental in keeping me here, alive in this moment and I was gracefully humbled.

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Finally pulling myself together, through tears of absolute relief and joy, I gave that bell all I had. 

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The next morning I stood looking out of my kitchen window feeling an expansive freedom that I could only assume is how a convict feels after they’ve been released from prison.  Total and absolute freedom.  No decisions to be made, no scrambling to be done, no rush to feel better only to be knocked down again, no pushing though or sucking it up, just a feeling of unlimited openness and space.  I felt more ‘me’ than ever before, and it was clear that this is a beautiful fresh beginning.

I felt peacefully aware and saw everything around me for the first time; I marveled at the ease of making a cup of tea, admired the colours in my counter-tops and almost hugged every decorative towel hanging in my bathroom, basking in the newness and just being thankful. 

I was struck with a profound ‘a-ha’ when I realized that how I’ve lived my life through cancer treatments should be how I always live: fully present, only focusing on the elephant bite at hand and making it my one and only job to be happy.  I thought they were survival techniques, but turns out, they are how I want to live my life.  Appreciating the moment I am in, leaving the past behind me, knowing these is nothing I can to about the future until it unfolds, and remember in any situation I have the power to be happy. Toss in a little, don’t take things personally, avoid making assumptions and always do your best, and this is how I always want to live my life.

Smiling to myself I realized, I had cancer, but… I survived.  And if I can survive this, then I’m going to be unstoppable.

Family party at the bell!

Family party at the bell!

Lori’s Angels

Lori’s Angels