Frozen in my tracks.
Did I just say that? And say that OUT LOUD?
I was walking to my car by myself, debating something in my head (that I now have no memory of), and out loud I said, “well, we both know…” like I was having a full blown conversation with another person.
It was official, I’d crossed the line from mildly quirky to completely unhinged!
I tried to brush it off as a one time occurrence, but when I started paying closer attention to myself, not only was I using “we both know…” more often then I care to admit, but I was also saying,
“ah, good point” …when I was trying to figure something out and highlighting a new point of view.
“between you and me”… like there was a secret that needed to stay locked between me and, well, me.
“come on Lori, you know better than that” … acting like my own parent by coaxing myself to make the right decision over the easy one.
This isn’t the same thing as when I stub my toe and burst out with an expletive or when I’m driving and make comments to other drivers that they can’t hear; no, this is me having true full blown conversations with myself, by myself, out loud.
So, does this now make me a few fries short of a happy meal? Is my elevator refusing to reach the penthouse? Could my wheel be spinning without a hamster? Am I now officially as sharp as a bowling ball? Or am I certifiably nuts and need to keep a look out for rogue squirrels following me?
The better question is, what do I want to do with this?
I decided to admit that talking out loud helps me organize my thoughts, emotions and actions. And if I believe that I carry the answers to my problems around with me, this is just another tool I can use to help me hear what I’m trying to figure out. And frankly, if I were a character written by Shakespeare, he would just say I was talking in soliloquy (yes he was a man that was known for cheating on his wife and drowning himself in the local mead, but he has a good point!)
I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding myself because there were truths I didn’t want to admit or want to have to deal with, but this new found eccentricity could contribute to opening me up… so this is a good sign, right?
Yes, I am justifying my crazy here, but that’s what a perspective is… looking at something from a different angle and appreciating all aspects. After all, who decided that I have to keep all my figuring and problem solving confined to my head anyway? Why not see the benefits instead of putting myself down for getting my quirk on?
I’m just rewriting my own definition of ‘normal’. Because I’ll be honest, I’m having much more fun in life with my own definition then any other I have come across …“ah, good point Lori”.