Attaching to Non-attachment

I have been looking forward to this day for months, longing to hear those four magic words... you are done chemotherapy!  In reality I have one more round to pump into my fighting body, but because I am an overachiever when it comes to side effects (this girl always gets her A+), stopping before the final round would help to avoid any permanent damage.  Not that I haven’t enjoyed the nausea, numb fingers, constant fog and Hulk like bone pain, but I am more than happy to hear that chemo is behind me.  Sayonara! Adios! Arrivederci!  

Now, I am well aware that I still have three other major treatments to get through in order to rid my body of this craziness, but to have chemo behind me is exciting and a milestone I am eagerly anxious to celebrate.  Wahoo, one down, three to go! 

What does this tell me about myself?  How easy it is to get attached to an outcome of something I desire!  Blinders go on, I focus in on what I want and I push forward with great gusto and non-wavering determination.  Yet this hyper attachment to an outcome often leaves me feeling exhausted and disappointed because most times, I have no control over what is really going to happen anyway. 

Just because I want to be done chemo, doesn’t mean that is the best thing for me.  And to truly feel peace about what my Oncologist is going to say, I need to release myself from the attachment I have to this favored outcome.

So, I now rely on the power of trust.

Trust of course involves three of my least favorite things: releasing control, not over planning for my next steps and letting someone else take care of me!

But when I look at the alternative all I see is wasting time,

  • figuring out next steps that don't even exist yet.
  • worrying about outcomes that may never happen.
  • chasing an outcome I have no control over.
  • going in circles fighting an outcome I don’t want when it could be the best thing for me!

When I release myself from being attached to a desired outcome I experience blessings I didn’t even know where available to me and no matter what the answer, I get to feel peace.

Letting go of what I think I want will always allow me to
appreciate getting exactly what I need.

So, bring on the outcome of today's appointment, because I know that no matter what my wonderful Oncologist tells me, I will leave her office with peace and a whole lot of gratitude!

Just another day in the chemo suite!

Just another day in the chemo suite!