As I stood there looking around the two large rooms filled with people hooked up to IV drips and baring beautiful bald heads, I couldn't believe that I was the sickest person in the room. How can this be? I feel FINE and look healthy... yet here I stand, observing the next step in my journey having to accept how backwards it all is. I have to make myself sick to be better.
Time has become an enigma, as everything seems to have unfolded at lightening speed yet painfully slow at the same time. Often I am rushing to stand still. And although there have been many appointments and phone calls during this time, the one that continues to echo in my mind came on January 4, 2018 at 2:45 pm. It became official. I have breast cancer.
It is like I have been airlifted out of my life and dropped into one that is full of wild unknowns and grand question marks. Except for the fact that I am completely clear on how this story is going to end (with great health and peace), getting from where I am now to the beautiful end result is new territory.
The most important decision I have made to help me brave this new wilderness is about how I want to feel. So many people feel anger and hatred when they hear the word 'cancer', and I totally get it, there is nothing nice or attractive about this word. It is an unwanted guest. But what I realized is that the surgeon can remove my tumor and my oncologist can zap away the cancer, but in the end, I am left with my emotions. So if I focus on hating cancer, then when it is gone, I am left with the hate. So right from the start I decided I was going to,
Love it out of me.
With love as my chosen emotion, I can allow the frustrations and overwhelming feelings to move through me instead of sticking to me. Because when I am at the other end of this journey, all I want to be left with is love. I didn't truly appreciate the depth of this over used word until now, nor did I fully comprehend the power of loving an enemy to the point of making them my friend.
Love is the answer to the crazy question, how will I get through this?
Whether it is the love I choose to feel from myself, accept from family and friends or from the amazing team that is supporting me at the hospital... my ONLY job through it all is to...
Feel the Love.