On the evening of Monday November 13, 2017 I discovered the lump that has made this year the whirling dervish that it is.
The morning after I found my lump, there was only one thing I could do that made sense to me… I needed to write about it. I never published this blog. I knew one day I would, but never dreamed I would be sharing it a while receiving treatment for cancer.
From the second I found that piece of foreign schmutz in my body, the goal has been to love it out of me and focus on eating the metaphoric elephant in front of me, one bite at a time. It has been one giant lesson on ‘staying in the moment’.
Below is the blog I wrote one year ago, 14 hours after finding my lump.
I can honestly say 2018 hasn’t been my favorite year, but… I wouldn’t change a thing.
Things Aren’t Always As They Seem…
It began like any other stretch; I opened my arms out to the side, dropped my head back and allowed my day to fall off of me. As I began to move my way back to a regular standing position, I simply gave my upper chest a wee scratch and froze. My hand stopped dead as it palpated the lump it had just discovered.
I quickly felt around, comparing both sides of my chest, but there was no mistaking it, I have a lump a little larger than a Cadbury’s mini egg in my upper chest.
I instantly broke into tears and doubled over in shock.
After I let myself spin for couple of minutes I just stopped. There were a number of truths waving frantically in front of me:
I have NO idea what I have actually found.
I have had a cyst on my face and polyps in my colon, why not another lump in my chest?
It could simply be an angry inflamed lymph node.
I became calm. There was no reason to assume the worst when I don't have the information. Instead, I chose to enjoy my evening, and I couldn't help but laugh that an hour earlier I had posted a blog about ‘staying in the moment’. So I decided THIS was indeed a moment I needed to stay in and not allow my head to make up stories that didn’t exist... after all, this girl has knitting to do for nieces & a nephew!
When I called my Doctor this morning the nurse asked me some routine questions, one being whether I am currently breast feeding. I’m sad to admit that my answer to her was,
"I'm not using them for anything right now. Not even for entertainment purposes."
I tend to call on my ‘go go gadget sense of humour’ when I know I need to avoid over thinking a situation. Thankfully the nurse appreciated my twisted whit and it was helpful being able to laugh while booking the appointment for my Doctor to explore my newly found lumpiness.
This moment I am sitting in, is all I can understand. And right now, I know that I am well.
Whatever my following moments hold, I plan on bringing joy with me and continuing to remind myself that everything is figure-out-able.